Knightmare team between Team 6 of Series 2 and Team 8 of Series 2.
Dungeoneer: Neil Payne Advisors (left-right): Craig Barthorpe,
Jason Bond,
Mark Watkins

From: Newark

Length of quest: 34 minutes

Episodes: 7, 8, 9

Originally broadcast (CITV): 17th, 24th, 31st October 1988

First repeated on Challenge: 25th, 28th, 29th June 2004

Akash and company were always going to be a tough act to follow in some ways. Team 7 got further, in a quest unusually full of distinctions, but not without pioneering new brands of incompetence.

Level One

1. Roulette Room
2. Door Option Room.
Treguard explained that "The magic objects are all symbols of the quest. Whichever you choose will become the key to your adventure. And once embarked, you must follow it." This was, then, the first time a team was able to choose its own quest object (and selecting from three, not two nor four, remained a KM rarity). Folly was present: he advised the team to seek the Sword of Justice and to avoid the Fire Exit.
- The shield was named by Folly as the Shield of Liberty. Interesting how the Sword and Shield swapped characteristics over time, later becoming known as the Sword of Freedom and Shield of Justice. The Cup that Heals kept its epithet.

3. Bomb Room.
The team had to choose between getting the food beneath the bomb or heading straight for the exit. In the event, the team did neither, directing Neil hither and thither and taking over 30 seconds to exit the room. Luckily, the bomb did not go off.
4. Wyrm Chamber.
Treguard: "Those who seek the Sword must first dare the serpent." A snake slid out from behind the rubble in the left portal, reaching all the way to the right portal, but Neil's advisors just about kept him clear of it.

5. Clue room.
Clue objects: Cheese, dagger, unnamed potion, bone
Wall monster: Granitas Of Legend. "My name is not amusing!" Oh yes it is. Your middle name is Of. Hee hee.

1st riddle: Who is the great wizard of the west?
Team's answer: The Wizard of Oz
Result: "Falsehood! Merlin was the truth I sought."
- The West = Oz? I suppose it's easy to confuse a fictional land with an entire compass direction.
- Merlin was once again the correct answer to a riddle (well, question) in Team 6 of Series 6's quest.

2nd: No earthly earthbound steed am I. My hurdles are the mountains, and my racetrack is the sky. Who am I?
The team gave the correct answer: Pegasus. They seem to know their Greek mythology. Or do they?

3rd: On Monday, I planted a magic tree. On Tuesday, it grew twice its height. Each day it doubled. On Sunday, it was fully grown. But when, on which day, was it half-grown?
"Think, team," said Treguard, asking the near-impossible of the boys. "This is much easier than it sounds."
The team requested a repeat, after which...
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Time Out between Episodes 7 and 8
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...and then the repeat was itself repeated, meaning that we heard the riddle three times.
Team's answer: Thursday
Result: "Falsehood! Saturday was the truth I sought."

"One alone is the score. The dagger may be used, but not against flesh. I scorn you. [Note to Granitas: giving someone a vital hint is not very scornful.] Rock I was, and rock I now become." Neil leaves with the dagger and the potion - after a reminder from Treguard to take two objects.
- A clue object clue is rather generous for a score of one. Having said that, the team didn't need to be told their quest object.
6. Pick a Card.
The team recalled a clue from Folly about a red king, and Neil is directed to stand on the diamond, causing the King of Diamonds card to disappear and clear an exit. Neil then sidestepped left when told to step right.

7. Mildread's cauldron room.
Mildread spoke with an advisor's voice and tried to direct Neil through the right-hand door, but failed. In a 2007 interview, Tim Child explained how the voice-changing effect was achieved:

'Each new dungeoneer got a 5-10 minute practise [sic] session before Game ON. Sometimes when we knew imposters [sic] were to be used in the scenario, we sneakily recorded the dungeoneer and played him back into his own scene later.' (Dungeoneer, or advisor?)

Mildread branded Treguard an "interfering Dungeon dotterel" for telling the team about her. She asked for something for her cooking pot, and was given the potion. "I'd rather've had a bone!" Mildread rewarded Neil by getting out a crmupled piece of paper and giving him a word: Stalactite. As Mildread drank the potion, Neil left via the left-hand door.
- Stalactite turned out to have no use in the quest.
- Previously, Mildread had tried using her voice-changing abilities to deceive Martin from Team 1 of Series 2. Like Neil, he didn't have the gift she particularly wanted. Unlike Neil, he couldn't placate her with either of the objects he did have, and unlike Neil, it seemed that Martin entered losing status as a result.
- So, was this an explicit clue object let-off, or would either bone or potion have been accepted by Mildread all along? Considering that a number of Series 2 teams got through Level One with the use of just one clue object, including the victorious Team 10 of Series 2, perhaps this isn't an issue per se. But let-offs certainly become an issue later in this quest.
8. Wellway room.
A cavern wraith hovered over the wellway. Oh sheet. Treguard mentioned that it was fleshless. Neil held up the dagger, and the wraith vanished. Neil went down the wellway and into the next level.
- Would the team have taken the dagger without Granitas' advice - after all, as Watchers of the previous series they'd have witnessed Team 6 of Series 1 failing their quest through taking a dagger - and had they truly earned that life-saving advice?

Level Two

1. Key Puzzle Room.
Neil entered with a little run and jump. I don't know about you, but I was utterly convinced that he'd just dropped down a wellway. Treguard explained (almost fluffing his line in the process) that "here is the crossroads where many different admen... adventures meet for a short moment in space and time. One of these is yours. The Way Out is not the way out at all, but a short cut to a different part of your quest. Maybe even to a much lower level. It is not wise to take it, unless you have no option. You might gain from it, but there again, who knows what you might lose? Hurry now." Neil was guided to the Sword portal, via a pineapple not-very-hygienically left on the floor.
- So Knightmare's first 'short cut' wasn't in Team 6 of Series 8's (in)famous quest, nor even in Barry's - it was here, in Series 2. Fascinating. We can only imagine where it would have led.
- Despite being seen as an image at this point in the quest, Gretel does not appear in the quest in the flesh.

2. Clue room.
On the table (or altar?) was a brown, partial skeleton. Partial to what? Ingesting large keys, apparently, as one lurked within its ribcage. Neil took the key and continued.
- How nice for the team not to have to deliberate over picking from a selection of items. Team 5 of Series 2 had a choice of clue objects in their Level 2 clue room, made the wrong choice, and left the room in losing status.
3. The Vale of Mogdred a.k.a. Crossing Room Two.
See the Lexicon entry on SHROUD to find out what happened here. The astonishing end result was that this became the only team to beat Mogdred in a direct confrontation. You might think (or hope) that to balance out the copious, crucial help given by Treguard, the team would be in losing status from this point on, and would be extinguished as soon as possible. But no.
4. Combat Chess.
Normally this had the potential to be a tricky challenge for teams, and an engrossing one for the Watchers. But Team 7 had it easy: the helpfully-placed Sprig of Energy halfway across the board, added to the customary task of avoiding the bishop, made it obvious which route Neil should take. Nevetheless, the team were jubilant at overcoming this challenge.
5. Spear Room.
The first appearance on KM of the second version of this room. At one point, Neil had to be told several times to sidestep, when he mistook the instruction for turning.
6. Ariadne's Lair.
With Ariadne overhead, the advisors directed Neil to a piece of the Sword, and out the left-hand exit (in a crouch). Far more swiftly done than the Bomb Room.
7. Hall of Folly.
Entered from the left-hand door. The M blocks were assembled, with a loaf and bottle on top. Treguard declared that "those who don't open things risk ignorance", but had to reinforce his point when the team looked set to leave carrying the bottle. Opening it caused green lightning, after which a helplessly airborne Merlin appeared. Neil had to guide him to the floor, during which Merlin flailed farcically. (I can only assume that John Woodnutt was 'all thesped out' after his SHROUD performance.) Merlin claimed that his close friends call him Bert, but instructed Neil to call him Sir. He asked three questions on the theme of quests.

1st: What did Jason seek?
More Greek mythology, and again the team knew it (just as well, considering the name of the middle advisor): the Golden Fleece.

2nd: What did the Crusaders follow?
Jason: "Neil, say they followed their religion." Mark (in disgust): "No!" They asked for a repeat, during which Merlin added the word "thing". The team then gave the right answer of the Cross.
- The Crusades weren't exactly a quest, in my opinion.

3rd: What monster did Theseus encounter in the labyrinth?
Jason: "No, er, like a gorilla thing." The team asked for a repeat (three repeats in one quest must be a record), but before it came...
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*Time Out between Episodes 8 and 9* Treguard described it as a "temporal shift", which I suppose means that until adventuring resumed, the team had shift for brains. Until, perhaps also after. And if you think that's a bad pun, consider that Treguard ended the episode by describing Knightmare as "a simply wizard experience." You can read Anglia TV's press release for Episode 9 on Knightmare.com here.
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The team finally gives an answer: the Goblin King. This is a reference to David Bowie's character in the 1986 fantasy film Labyrinth. Never mind the fact that there's no Theseus in Labyrinth! There's nothing wrong with 80s movies, nothing at all - except when they take the mental place of basic mythology knowledge. The correct answer was the Minotaur.

So, a score of 2. Despite originally wanting 3 truths, Merlin saw fit to give advice anyway: "When you meet your own monster, take the first left to escape." The portal on the far wall had a lock on it, but holding up the key made the lock disappear.

- Before we move on, let's consider Team 12 of Series 2. Like Team 7, they got a question wrong in the Hall of Folly; but unlike Team 7, the result was that Merlin denied them aid that would have kept them out of losing status; and unlike Team 7, he'd only asked them one question in the first place: not two, and certainly not three.
8. Mining Pit.
Bumptious, the Dwarf who isn't, appeared from behind the minecart, accused Neil of "rule violation, Category A stroke B", and demanded his name and Guild number. Not being a member of the Guild, Neil lacked the latter, prompting Bumptious to open a tribunal/trial. This consisted of three questions.

1st: What do dwarves like best?
The team answered "diamonds", having considered but dismissed "gold" - which turned out to be the right answer, and had in fact been given to them a moment earlier, when Bumptious gave the full name of his guild (See: HOGG).

2nd: Do female dwarves have beards?
The team incorrectly says yes. Obviously they've grown up attending the wrong kinds of circuses.

3rd: Dwarves don't trust elves, because elves aren't dwarves. Why don't dwarves trust humans?
Because there's this guy called Tom Karol who shamelessly passes himself off as one, when he's clearly far too tall to... sorry, just thinking aloud there. The team gave the answer Bumptious wanted: "because humans aren't dwarves."

Bumptious found Neil "guilty of being a human [but not] a totally stupid human." When Bumptious then asked Neil to raise his right hand, he raised his right, then his left, then his right. So make up your own minds. Bumptious had Neil swear never to rob a dwarf, then gifted Neil SHOVEL, without quite explaining that it was a spell.

So, a score of 1 question out of 3, and the team earned a crucial spell. So much for losing status. The team has now been asked a total of 9 questions. Granted, this is harsh, but none of the questions was all that hard. Their overall score: 4 out of 9. This is one lucky team.

9. Great Corridor of the Catacomb.
Treguard warned the team that it has no magic powerful enough to deal with the toadodile lurking at the far end. Recalling Merlin's tip, Neil was sent through the left exit.
10. Wellway room.
For once Cedric was guarding the top of a wellway rather than the bottom. The SHOVEL entry will tell you what happened here. Amazing to think that were it not for yet another of their bizarre blunders, the team would have got down to Level Three, and then possibly won. At least Treguard gets his spelling right: DISMISS.

For all the leniency that the Dungeon gave Team 7, they ultimately dug their own grave, with that spade of theirs (and wrapped their dungeoneer in a shrud). I don't think that this team deserved to get nearly as far as they did, but that's my opinion. What have others i.e. users of the Knightmare.com Discussion Forum said about this quest?

'Team getting in all kinds of trouble. but they did get let off many times, (Mildred [sic], Mogdred)' - Mephistopheles

'I'm surprised Mildred [sic] took the potion instead of the bone, seen as the team got the riddles wrong and made the wrong choice. Again, maybe the producers didn't want to kill too many teams off this series. Having said that, this team didn't deserve to get through level one, in my opinion. They're a little slow.' - Doragon Shindaisha

'They're not exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer but they're still assertive and provide a lot of fun banter.' - HStorm

'Embarrasing incident... I would have been clobbering myself if that happened to me...' - Fidjit

'Poor Cedric has to ad-lib for minutes rather than just cobber them, but Treguard, after his resounding "Letter O" grunting last episode, has clearly abandoned the boys to their fate. And quite rightly too!' - dontyoulikemypie

'Probably one of my favourite deaths. Despite messing up the spells, at least they went out in style. :) "Then perish, toe-features!!!"' - Malefact

'As much as I actually enjoyed their comical blundering through the dungeon, how it took them as far as the end of Level 2 escapes me.' - James Aukett

'My brother woz well pissed off hehe ;D Woz his stupid friend ... that thought it woz spade and my dad [who attended the filming] sed they were well annoyed wiv him hehe.' - xlorax, sibling of Craig, and provider of this picture of Craig and Jason:

Whatever one thinks of this team, their distinctions stand as fact. Among other things, they were:
- The first team to choose the object of their quest;
- One of only two teams to have a member impersonated by Mildread;
- Perhaps the only team during whose quest Treguard stumbled over his words ("admen... adventures");
- The first team to encounter the Hall of Spears Mark 2;
- The only team to defeat Mogdred in a head-to-head;
- One of the few teams that was supposed to take a weapon, alongside Team 1 of Series 4 and Team 1 of Series 8;
- The only team to have a Sprig of Energy on Combat Chess;
- The first team to be explicitly presented with a short cut;
- One of the few teams to face 9 or more questions in their quest, alongside Team 6 of Series 4 (9) and Team 4 of Series 1 (11);
- The only team to attempt to "turn-spell";
- The team that turned Cedric from a mere common-or-garden deranged monk into a deranged dungeoneer slayer;
- The only team seen to get a spell and forget its name.

And when it comes to a Knightmare quest, perhaps being memorable is worth as much as being successful.

[Earlier version: 2008-08-29 20:23:04]

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From TES issue 52 (July 2008)

Series 2
Quest: The Sword.
Dungeoneer: Neil Payne.
Advisors: Mark, Jason and Craig.
Home town: Newark-on-Trent, Nottinghamshire.
Team score: 5 out of 10.

You already know how much I despair at the sheer stupidity surrounding Neil’s death but, on the whole, this wasn’t actually a bad team, although they undoubtedly were helped along here and there by the production team.

Level One: Neil manages to pull the lever at the Wheel of Fate, which takes him to a room with four doors that are decorated with the symbols of the Sword, the Cup and the Shield, as well as a Fire Exit. Folly is on hand to explain that the team must choose the object of their quest (the one and only time a team gets to do this prior to series 4). The jester suggests to Neil that he should follow the Sword and, if he does, to look out for a red king. Neil does follow the Sword, and he immediately has to hurry past a slithering snake, which emerges from behind a ruined doorway. Food is spied in a bomb room, but there is no time to collect it before the fuse burns away, so it has to be abandoned.

The level one clue room follows, where Neil is able to restore his life force at last. Granitas is on guard, and seemingly feeling particularly sensitive about his name. Despite the team scoring only one out of three, Granitas gives them a clue about which object they need to take and what to do with it: ”The dagger may be used, but not against flesh.” – Granitas. As well as the dagger, Neil picks up a potion, rejecting a bone. The next challenge is to Pick a Card, where Folly’s clue comes in handy, as Neil is able to unlock the door that is being blocked by the King of Diamonds. In Mildread’s cave, Neil parts with the potion, although the loathsome old witch is adamant that she would rather have had a bone!

Mildread gives the team a clue – the word stalactite. In fact, this is a complete red herring, but the advisors keep on trying to find a use for it right up to their final scene! In the final chamber of the level, a cavern wraith is guarding the wellway. Having no flesh, the ghost is defeated by the dagger, and disappears when Neil holds the weapon up. Neil is then able to descend to level two via the wellway.

Level Two: The first challenge for the team is to choose a path to follow in the room with five doors that used to contain the Moving Keyhole. Many quests are on display, including Mark’s in the shape of Gretel, but they sensibly decide to follow the Sword, as it is the object of their own quest. In the level two clue room, Neil picks up a large key from within the ribcage of a decapitated skeleton.

The Bridged Vale follows, where Mogdred is on hand to provide a bit of tension. The evil sorcerer obscures Neil with the spell SHROUD, and the advisors take a long time dispelling it, mainly because they obviously have no idea what the word means, and try to dispel without the letter O. After some serious prompting from Treguard, who is supposed to have been spell-trapped by Mogdred, they finally manage to dispel SHROUD and continue on their way. (However, this somewhat incompetent attempt to deal with magic portends a much costlier mistake later on.) Neil next finds himself in Ariadne’s lair, where he picks up a piece of the Sword before the giant spider arrives and chases him out. Combat Chess follows, which the team manage to complete fairly easily, although they are directed on the right track with the help of a strategically placed energy tree.

A quick jaunt through the new and improved Hall of Spears leads to Merlin’s study, where Neil has to open a bottle in order to call a tiny Merlin from another astral plane, and then the advisors have to talk Merlin down to earth, as he is seemingly having a bit of trouble bridging the dimensional gap. No more surprises follow in this scene, however, as Merlin sets his customary three questions, of which the team manage to answer two correctly. Merlin has no magic to offer this time, but rather a clue about the correct path to take in the Corridor of the Catacombs. Neil uses the key to deal with a large golden keyhole that is blocking the large exit from Merlin’s study, before arriving in the Dwarf’s goldmine. The Dwarf asks Neil three fairly simple questions about his race, but the team only just manage to scrape one correct answer. However, the Dwarf is obviously feeling generous, and rewards them with a spell called SHOVEL – that’s right, SHOVEL!

A green-lit Corridor of the Catacombs follows, where the team follow Merlin’s advice and escape from a toadadile through the left-hand door. This leads to the wellway chamber, where Cedric is on guard. The mad monk is in no mood for riddling today, and demands the password. It turns out not to be stalactite – surprise, surprise – so the team work out that they have to use the spell that the Dwarf has given them. A brilliant deduction, I’m sure you’ll agree, but for some unknown, unfathomable and unwise reason, they decide to spellcast SPADE. Well, why not? Oh, I’ll tell you why not – the spell’s called SHOVEL, numbskulls!

Of course, the magic does not work, no matter how many times the advisors spellcast the wrong word, so Cedric is only too happy to conk Neil on the head and bring a painful and abrupt end to his quest. As Treguard points out, the team have blundered badly and paid the ultimate price: ”The spell you were given was SHOVEL, not SPADE. How would you like someone to get your name wrong?” – Treguard.

Summary: A fair attempt and almost a level three performance, although their slightly haphazard style and often dodgy brainwork was bound to let them down in the end. (Incidentally, if you really want to know what I think of Neil and his friends, take the name of their home town, without the –on-Trent bit, rearrange the letters and stick an S on the end.)

[Previous team: Team 6 of Series 2
Next team: Team 8 of Series 2]

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